Twas the night before christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Mom in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for some lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
tore back the shades while she played with herself.
The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard,
The place was a mess,
something hit it real hard.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a crooked old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz.
Fucking slow down or I'll cut off your nuts."
Over the lamp post, and don't hit that tree,
quit shaking the sleigh, "cause I gotta go pee."
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up in the shrub.
And then from the roof came a hell of a splatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down through the chimney he came with a crash.
His suit was all soaking with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some cathouse," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll hang for a while."
He walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
the old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
but his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a black leather whip,
next were some X-Rated video clips.
A box full of condoms was Santa's next find,
and a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
There were stick-on nipples, a penis extension,
and boxes of goodies I won't even mention.
A cock ring, a g-string, and all types of oil,
and dildo so long it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa would shit,
if you don't mind I'll leave it here when I split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
with one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
and he fell on his buttocks and broke wind instead.
He cursed and got up and climbed into his hitch,
"Let's go ya varmints, the night's been a bitch."
The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair,
and he let out a belch as they took to the air.
Bending the lamp post and raking the tree,
he bounced off a rooftop and finally got free.
"I'm comin' home, woman!" He sang with a smirk,
"so grab both your ankles, and pull up your skirt."
And if that doesn't do it, let this remind you all to be happy with who you are.
Now get back to work all you sick bastards.